How Far Is To Far - seeking & finding (1)

DRAFT - chapter one

please understand that this is a draft and the chapter is not complete.
 

Chapter one: The Early Years

I woke up to hot embers melting away the roof of our over sized green army tent. The smell of smoke, with its whitish hazy color loomed in the stale cold air. As I looked up, burnt ash was falling all around us.  I, still in a sleepy fog and not really knowing what was going on, could see the tall tree that our tent was built around, the larger than life iron stove in the center of the tent. As I gazed up its tall and bowed smoke pipe, it opened up to the sky. With that Leighana grabbed me and tucked me away in a safe place far away from her and the burning tent. The Farm store was her place of safety for me that night. It was dark and cold inside. I huddled in a corner, not really knowing where I was or when my Leighana would come back for me. Through the depth of the darkness, and into the wilderness, I could hear parents screaming, and cries of children as their parent’s whisked them away to safety as the tent came down around them.  I heard commotions, creaks and unfamiliar sounds, for what seemed like hours, and my imagination took me far away into the depths of my mind. It was a horrifying night for me and one I have never forgotten.

We were new to this place, Leighana and I, this place called The Farm. Moving was nothing new to me. Leighana had been moving me around the world since the day I was born. I had already traveled, by way of thumb, throughout the USA and England, and by the time we landed here, in the middle of Summertown Tennessee, by way Greyhound bus, it was already late fall of 1974. The sixties had already come and gone but there was a small group of people “60’s Hippies”, digging their feet firmly in the ground, holding on to the dream of a better way (a utopia) and Leighana was taking me there. I remember walking up the long dusty road to the Gate of The Farm. There stood a man with long hair and a beard. He was charged with checking out all new people, which by this time, were flooding to The Farm, and to find out why we had traveled so far to live, in the middle of the poorest County in TN. Leighana had heard about The Farm while living in England. So, to understand her now, it is no surprise that we ended up there.

Leighana was so beautiful and all who knew her knew her as an earthly, back to basics, spiritual seeker of truth kind of hippy. She just drew people to her without ever opening her mouth and she longed to be with people of like mindedness. It was an endless journey, which for now, lead her and I to The Farm.

Just months before we had returned from England. We had made our way over the ocean by boat. It was a trip that took us two weeks and I was sick the whole way there, green and throwing up. It was not a fun trip. We slept on deck under the dark starry nights and by day Leighana let me roam the deck as I pleased “as I was a little adult and considered equal to her”. I was not shy or so it seemed (because I am truly afraid of people) although no one would ever know it. I ran in and out of the people standing on deck, enjoying the ocean view.

Seems Leighana had falling in love with an Englishman, David Outhwaite. He was a tall slender man, with long blond hair, an artist by trade that lived in a stilted house on a pebble beach in Yorkshire. While in England, Leighana again took up traveling with me in tow. As I recall, we traveled with a small traveling circus (for a time), which of course, I loved. At night we would all gather around the fire pit. The crowd would grow louder and louder as the nights wore on. I would watch the flames dance around the glowing wood as sparking embers smolder into the night sky. When it was time for me to go to bed one of the clowns would throw me on his shoulder and unicycle me off to my makeshift bed.

England was very beautiful, green and inviting with an offbeat flare of excitement. Once Leighana decided to settle into married life, she did so with, what seemed to me, a love for domestic life . We eat our eggs from egg holders and made scones from scratch as tea time was nearing. You could smell the earl grey steeping while waiting for the timer to ring (scones are done), and I was always ready with jam or marmalade in hand.

Leighana had enrolled me in a little preschool, for a time, which was really a lot of fun. I had never really played with other children, children that I saw each and every day, instead of just passing through children which is all I had really ever known. The school gave me some sort of consistence, which I had not had up until then, and although I did not know it at the time, I needed consistence badly.  The school was a two story white building and as we would come up the path leading to the door, I could smell breakfast cooking in the kitchen. I eagerly ran in the open, front door, and always at the table was a fine English breakfast waiting to be eaten by me. Snack time however was my favorite time of day; the teacher would pass out cookies in the shape of windmills and milk in a real glass bottle, with a metal cap held down by a clasp. But as soon as I settled in, as always, Leighana felt the need to move on.

For me, traveling had become a way of life, and I do not recall ever longing for a place with more stability, because I had never had that in my life. The road was my home and new people “these strangers” seemed to be my forever expanding and growing family.

I do however remember missing my, one, little best friend “I had found” in England and his name or nick name, I should say, was Pudding. I have no idea, to this day, what his real name was.

Here is a little letter I wrote to him: written just the way I told it to Leighana

“Dear Pudding, I want to love you. Thank you for when I spent the night. We are in Yorkshire. Please come to Yorkshire. Kiss you and hug you. I been playing with my toys, Molly”.

I am not sure if Leighana ever sent this letter but she was always good about saving things that were special to me, and thus she saved this little love letter to my dear friend Pudding, in her little black book, for me to find years later.

Insert picture here

I had never lived, in any one place, for more than 3 or 4 months, and as I look back on it now, Leighana seemed to be searching for something and whatever it was, it must have been something hidden far from her reach. She was forever searching and seeking out a hidden unknown, to add to her expanding universe. I have always been left wondering, if she knew what it was, she was searching for, and did she ever find it before she died?

I think The Farm, in her mind, was a place where pure love could co-exist for a larger purpose, than self, so, to be self sustaining within a group, all being as one within the bounds of love, peace and harmony. We came in as, The Farm was just beginning to thrive and transform, into what its, collective purpose was or motto (out to save the world) as The Farm band proclaimed on the front of its tour bus. Its vision of self and what it wanted to be known by, to the world as, a community of peoples, living together as one, a true sixties movement (from the Haight) and (Monday night class) straight out of San Francisco, to be reckoned with, and a show (on center stage) to the world, that “we can” live as one in love, peace and harmony, and really create an outward, changing of heart, in the world as it was. A sort of leading by example, for a world, that seemed to be turned wrong side up.

      The Farm: insert description

Leighana died before I could ever find out what it was that drew her to The Farm. So I can only tell you what it was like for me. It was a mixture of all things good and bad (in hindsight) that a child could be exposed too. Children were not children, as I see it; we were little adults and friends to our parents. We called them by their names, thus Leighana, and (not mom). We could go where we pleased and with whom. The Farm was, at that time, several hundred acres of Tennessee cattle land (transformed into farming land). So there was a lot of room to find all sorts of trouble or for trouble to find us. 

Leighana was a single mom when we came to The Farm. So, we moved in, at the lowest station of the cast. As, told to me, The Farm was a cast system of sorts, although if you were to ask the adults, you would get a different opinion from each and every one of them. This meant nothing to me at the time, as I was only a young child, but over time this was a big issue for Leighana. To this day, there is no collective understanding or agreement, of what we (The Farm) were and in the end (the changeover) for The Farm; this became the most divisive point in the end, I think anyway. I have been told that the Changeover in the early 1980’s was like a thousand divorces; happening all at once to what was seeming one family.

The Farm, at first, seems an inviting place to me, and of course it would be, what child won’t want to have the run of the land? When I was young,  I was very smart, inquisitive and really only wanted to hang with adults, and because I had moved so much, and had been exposed to so many different life styles, I talked a good talk, and for me wanting to be with adults was my normal. Not so much, normal, for these adults, so while all the other children were out playing, working on a crew, or doing whatever, I was near an adult or off playing by myself.  Very few had an understanding of what I was about, and because we came to The Farm in the misted of a growth spurt, it took some time for Leighana and I to acclimate to our new home. I can tell you one thing though; I learned a lot hanging with the big people. On The Farm everyone was tasked with a job, some because that is what they were good at and others because that is what they were told to do. Leighana, at first was asked to work in the post office and then she was a legal secretary. As time went on she worked in the bakery, at the dairy, was a school cook, worked in the pharmacy, became the weaving teacher, she also worked with the community planning committee and lastly was an infirmary caretaker. Leighana was a hard worker and did not need to do much to prove her ability. She was a well educated single lady, who had traveled the world, loved communal life, and enjoyed being a part of this (The Farm) a work in progress. With each job she took on we moved into a new communal house, which housed alike workers. This proved opportunities for Leighana, to meet new people and work her way to a station more suited to her.

For me it was proving to be a hardship, in hindsight. The Farm was the first place, which I had lived longer than any other, and although we were on The Farm, moving from communal house to communal house was difficult. Each house, housed 3 to 6 families and during these years, I sought solitude in the woods, meadows and the stream nearby, and although required to participate in school and communal gatherings, I just never felt I fit in. When I tried to fit in, it was always with the adults or the older kids, of which neither where to welcoming, at least in my early years there. I seemed to wander in and out of season’s neither seen nor noticed. I often found myself in the misted of a working crew, checking things out like how Tofu was made or how the sugar cane was processed. Once, I ended up in the lab, this was when Leighana worked in the pharmacy, and I got to see how body fluids were separated and what tapeworms looked like, which were lined up in jars, along with other dead things, being preserved for later study.

The Farm had some seriously educated people living there. These, by no means, were brainless people, followers of the “Guru of the day”. They were and still are some of the smarted, most educated people I have ever met. The amount of teaching and learning that was going on; still surpassing anything I have ever seen, to date. Which, over the years, has begged the questions, why experiment with how to raise young ones, participate in open marriages and at times “open eyed” (following) what, in your heart knowing, is just wrong? But it was a social experiment and has been chalked up to learning and the understanding, that if the path had not been walked then the learning could not have taken place. I have not met one person who regrets the choice to live or the experience of being raised on The Farm, this includes me.

 I do not regret Leighana bringing me to The Farm, although I have had a lot of issues I have had to work through because of my years there. One of my first memories is when one day; I was approached by a lady that had been staying at the Gate. Which is where, some people were asked to stay (for a time), that wanted to live on The Farm, but were not seen as safe for the group as a whole. Some were called “Trippers”, which were, in reality, the mentally ill, and were asked to stay at the Gate until they found a sponsoring person to partner with them, while on The Farm or they were asked to leave. Well one day, this lady approached me (6 or 7year old me) and asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with her. She had other little girls with her and so I thought it would be ok. Leighana was working and so I had no one to ask, so off I went with her (it never accrued that she was a bad person). She led us through the woods to an old worn out bus. We played there for a while, as she got to know us or primed us for what she wanted from us. As the other girls were playing around in the bus, she asked me to squat on the last step on the bus, with my skirt up and panties off, she asked me to pee in her mouth. This is something I did not want to do but did anyway and as I did she rubbed me. I remember nothing else about her person, however later my mom, who had been looking for me, found me picking wild berries and she had known that this lady had been missing from the Gate, asked me if I had been with her. Being ashamed that I had, I told her know no but I must have asked her why because she then told me that, this lady was living at the Gate because she was found to be mentally unstable and then she told me that she should not be around children and why. Well, by that time, it was too late and what could have happened already did and I was too scared to tell Leighana at that point. This was the first time, I can pinpoint, thinking to myself (Leighana cannot be trusted) to protect me.

My only saving grace was that Leighana would send me to stay with my grandparents or they would come pick me up, for the summer or over an extended holiday. They had always been our home base. So over the years, their house became the only one home that never changed for me no matter where Leighana took me.

Once on a fieldtrip to a neighboring farm, I had wondered off, as I always seemed too, preferring to be alone, one of the boys was sent off to find me. As he was calling my name, I ducked down behind some tall grass at the edge of a fence line. When he found me, he pushed me to the ground and raped me, I tried to maneuver my way out from under him but he kept pushing me down. I tried to scream but he told me not to and if I were good he would let me have an ice cream sandwich when we got back to the group. To this day I cannot recall if this was a boy from The Farm or a boy that lived on the neighboring farm.  However he did have long hair which leads me to assume that he was also from The Farm. I just can’t picture his face.

By now I was slowing becoming an outcast a little tripper, my behavior and disposition was becoming more and more untrusting of all adults and the older children that lived on The Farm. I felt very much unprotected and began to feel unsure of all, which were around me. I found myself lashing out and not allowing anyone to get to close to me. My nightmares were getting worst and Leighana found she needed to bring me under control or maybe she was asked by elders “get control of your daughter”! I wasn’t going to have any of that. In my mind, if you have never given me any rules, what makes you think I am going to except them now? This is a thought that I never let go of! Leighana had no idea what was going on with me or how to retrain me to be a child verse the little adult I had become. Life was hard for me being known “as the unruly child”. I became more and more reclusive in my later years on The Farm.

It just seemed to be getting worst for me. One day, while at the swimming hole (as always), I was off in my own little world, and as I was drifting on my tube, I could hear adults yelling at me but I could not understand why, and then someone jump into the water and grabbed a child that was face down in the water. I had no clue what was going on, but to the adults, I should have.  The child was caught in time, praise God, but for me, I have always carried this guilt, that if he had died, it would all be on me, and although nothing had happened to the child, somehow it was still my fault.

As time went on, Leighana was told I could not go to school because I was a distraction in the classroom. Leighana tried to find ways for me to stay in school. She came to school and sat in the back of the class. This was done so she could see what it was the teachers were talking about. They must have come up with some kind of plan because I was allowed to continue my schooling for a while. But then one day, I was removed by two or three teachers. They pulled me out of my desk that I was desperately holding on to kicking and screaming, and in the end I was sent home. It was a horrifying experience, in front of my peers, being removed by force and outcast with my teachers raging on “go home”!

Time passed and Leighana was now forced to bring me to work. No one wanted me around their children nor left alone. I really loved going to work with her. It gave me something to do and allowed me to learn so much more then school was giving me, at the time.

Because I was no longer aloud in school or maybe it was summer (I can’t recall), I decided to go next door (“next door was not like next door in the real world”, It is like far from my house) to hang out with an older girl. I am not sure why she was home but she was. We talked for a while and goofed around. She decided to call her mom but there was no answer and so she tried again and this time she asserted that if my mom does not answer the phone “I will hang myself” and that she did. I tried to hold her up, from the beam, which she hung the rope from; I just could not hold her, she was squirming and I was only nine and not very strong. So, I let go of her and run my ass off, to my house. Through the woods, on a winding path, the path perched on the side of a hill. I was screaming the whole way and the adults heard me before I even arrived. I won’t mention her name but as I came into my cluster of little houses, I was screaming her name and that she was hanging. Later, my mom would tell me that they heard me screaming she was drowning. In either case, they ran to save her with me in tow, not wanting to leave them or her without knowing the outcome. Leighana would not let me in the house as they were pulling her down. I had no idea what they were doing or if she was ok. I set outside on a log just rocking back and forth. Leighana finally came out and asked me what happened. I could not speak. I just couldn’t and so I just sat there. I was told that “She was saved” and then I was walked home.

I went over to her house a few days later. I wanted to see for myself that she was alive. The common room had an odd odor to it. I had a hard time going beyond the front door but I did. So, I went to her room to see how she was doing but it was filled with other children her age, they all just stared at me (as though it were all my fault) or so it seemed to me, and so I went back to my house.

I felt such a sense of ownership for what had happened. As though it were my fault and if I had not been there that day, this never would have happened. True or not, I felt all eyes were on me and for the rest of my time on The Farm; I stayed near to my house and never ventured out again at least not to my recollection anyway. Nights became my own private nightmare. I have never been one to sleep well at night anyway. I have always had night terrors. Never getting more than two hours of sleep at any given time, and I can tell you, that after that, it felt like I did not sleep for weeks. I felt like I was being suffocated by the air it’s self.

By this time folks where calling me the little Tripper, and as summer ended and fall set in, my 10^th birthday had come and gone, Leighana choose to leave The Farm in December of 1979. I never knew if it was because of me, or if Leighana was asked to leave (because of me), or if she just wanted/needed to leave (to help me regarding school). I do however recall driving down the road “in a car” with Stephen Gastkin, Leighana and I. Stephen was talking to Leighana about the hanging, me and what would be best all around, moving or not. We left shortly after that. A friend of Leighanas, Rod and his son Pete were leaving around the same time. So once again we packed our stuff, and we hitched a ride with them. Leaving only with what we came, I with my backpack and Leighana with her backpack and a large green duffle bag. And all the things that we had acquired, while on The Farm, where left behind.

With that being said, I only have found memories of The Farm. It is like; I have detached the bad from the good. Maybe it is because, on a whole, the people that loved me or more than likely loved Leighana, loved me/her more than the people that harmed me there? Or maybe it is because, I have never been able to see the bad in anyone and because The Farm was a collective “one whole” of people, and I cannot separate the few bad from the collective whole?